Today, I can't stop the tears.

Today is one of those days that makes me want to run away and hide. I went to bed with a pit in my stomach and awoke with a pit in my stomach.

My husband is out of town.

My kids are not doing well.

I feel alone. And hopeless.

I feel like everything I've done has been in vain. I'm trying so hard not to "lose the faith," but on days like today, it feels too hard. We had a rough night last night. The kids were up a lot crying...and scratching...and bleeding. Crying some more. 

I got these fancy eczema clothing items in the last week. Some Komfy Cotton footed pants (and matching onesies), which Adalyn desperately needs as she rips her ankles open at night. 

I got some for Landon, too, but not because he scratches at his feet. Just to keep him exposed as little to whatever residual detergent is in our house (which, from the looks of their skin, must be a lot) as possible. I didn't think through the fact that Adalyn's a thumb sucker when I bought the Scratch Sleeves or the Scratch-Me-Nots or the Komfy Cotton onesies that have the little built-in mittens. I also didn't think through the fact that she's two, and to suddenly try to cover her hands at night is just not going to happen. She freaked out so much she threw up, so off they went. I guess there's nothing I can do to prevent her nighttime scratching aside from covering up all the parts of her body I can so that she can't get to them to scratch them. 

Last night, she managed to go through both Komfy Cotton outfits I have for her in about 15 minutes. First spilling milk all over one and next, well, let's just say she has a tummy bug. So I had to put her to bed in normal clothes, so this morning her ankle looked like this.

I never get used to the blood-stained sheets, or the fact that their clothes will always have some spot of blood on them...at all times. Ten minutes after I put on Adalyn's clothes for the morning, there is guaranteed to be blood on them somewhere. The same has been happening to Landon. His pack and play has blood all over the netting, because he runs his face all over it to scratch himself. You can cover his hands with socks and onesies with mittens and scratch sleeves all you want, but he'll find a way to do some damage.

Then I learned that the so called "natural" cleaner I bought in mega bulk (as in, almost $300) the week before I found solveeczema.org is likely a detergent, and I'd begun using it in the last week for everything from cleaning surfaces to laundry. The ingredients seemed so benign. I had no idea it could be a detergent, but it could explain the massive setback we've now gone through.

So now I'm supposed to go through and re-superwash everything I've washed in the last week, which is pretty much everything. It makes me want to ram my head through a wall, to be honest, because...I don't even know. Just because this is hard. This is so, so hard. I had no idea how horrifying eczema could be. None. 

We have had to isolate ourselves from everyone. First, to avoid detergent exposure. Second, to avoid what people say to Adalyn (and Landon, too, but he doesn't understand, thank God). Even children tell her she is gross or her skin is gross or what is wrong with her face?! They can't help it. They don't know better. But I can't let Adalyn be exposed to that right now. I'm not ready. 

Then there's the infection angle. Adalyn is very infected. This happens. Usually it heals on its own. In fact, it always has. We've never done antibiotics for it or anything like that. But it's pretty bad, and our doctor wants to treat her with antibiotics to prevent a systemic infection. 

The problem with that is that the only time we've ever given any of our children antibiotics was in December, when Adalyn had strep and scarlet fever. Her skin, which was mostly fine at that point, suddenly erupted into almost what you see today. It started more mildly, and over the months, has gradually gotten worse and worse. So there is a huge part of me that is terrified to give her antibiotics for fear that she could actually get worse.

I don't know what to do. We've invested close to $2000 in the last few weeks to fix this problem. But...so far...nothing. No improvement. In fact, it's worse than ever. Not even the nice weather, which I have always surmised would be the cure-all for us, is helping. 

Luckily I have AJ from solveeczema.org to keep me in check, and she has assured me that this happens sometimes. It gets worse before it gets better. I am clinging to God today, trying to rest in His promise. My poor kiddos are miserable. I'm miserable for them. And I feel helpless. As a mama, I would argue there's almost  nothing worse than seeing your babies sick and in pain and being able to do nothing to relieve it.

UPDATE:

If it's possible, today they're even worse. :(

She woke up covered in blood.